so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
