before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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