My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
