why didn't you poke me back
I bet he comes in French.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
