Who did Billy Mays play for?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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