You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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