Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
