Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
