Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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