Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
