just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
