i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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