DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
