he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
