this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
