I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize