She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sorry about my life...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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