Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
