Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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