I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
