How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
