: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
