woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
