I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
