Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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