I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
