I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
