If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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