i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
