you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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