i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
