I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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