I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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