I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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