Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
