he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize