He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize