you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
