If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
