who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
