she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize