Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
