OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
