he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he fucked my hip out of place.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
