i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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