you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
