can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
