I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
