I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
