This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize