somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
