Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
