This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
