I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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