please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
