I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
the condom got lost in my hair
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
