guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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