Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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